noun: catharsis; plural noun: catharses

The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.

Wow, look at me! My first blog. You might not be sure why or how you got here. Well, that makes two of us.

I decided to try this blogging thing to use as some sort of outlet. You see, I’m what you call “going through some shit” and I really need something to do. I don’t have any real hobbies to speak of and there’s only so much reading I can do. I figured, what the fuck, why not. I plan on using this as a forum to talk about anything and everything that I feel like. If you’re looking for a theme, you’re probably going to want to exit stage left. I may or may not keep this up; who knows.

So here we go.

I’m separated from my husband. After 10 years of coupledom, I now find myself sitting in on a donated couch in a one bedroom apartment. I’m not going to get into details as to why, but that’s what’s happening. It’s certainly not what I expected at 33. . I have run the gambit of emotions in the past six months and I have to tell you: it really sucks. This is supposed to be the prime of my life! Family! Kids! Instead, it kind of feels like the swill at the bottom of a garbage can. It’s getting better, but fuck me if this isn’t hard to do. I’ve been happy, sad, mad, confused. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years. Totally sucks.

But, I’ve finally had a breakthrough.

A few days ago, I learned of the passing of Jen Bulik. I never met her, but she married a childhood friend of mine. It’s a tragic and heartbreaking story. Diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, she was given 4-6 months to live around May 2013. So what did she do? She didn’t stop living. She and Jeff got married. They raised thousands and thousands of dollars for their wedding and in the process, a wedding planner heard their story and gave them everything they wanted. They made national news. It was one of the most incredible things I have ever witnessed. It boggles my mind that someone with such a dire prognosis decided that she wasn’t going to let her condition stop her from living life to the fullest. When she died, my initial reaction was of course sadness; for Jeff, for her family, for what they will never have again. But then I realized the beauty in what happened. She made the most of her life and died with an amazing legacy. Her story is what is making me stop in my tracks. I need to get the fuck over myself and accept what I’ve been dealt.

I went back to their site after she died. I don’t know why. I’m glad I did though. I read a post that Jeff had written in September. He wrote:

“We will continue to search, to treat, and to pray…to hope and live in hope (fittingly, this is the motto of the state I was born and raised in).”
Under this quote, he posted a picture of our state flag
That is perfect. That quote hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve never really given a second thought to this flag and it’s meaning, but it all makes so much sense now. It embodies everything I need to move on. The anchor to hold me down, and the hope that things will get better. In fact, I know they will.