Posted in Just Stop It.

Lookin’ Good, Shithead!

I’m a pretty routine person.

During the work week, I wake up at the same time every day. Depending on my level of soreness, I have been going to the gym 3-4 days at 5:30 am. Once home, I begin my morning ritual: pee, start the shower, strip down, step on the scale, curse the scale, step off, immediately step on it again because maybe I read it wrong?, realize I did read it wrong and it actually went UP, curse the scale, angrily get into the shower, lather, rinse, repeat. I make a 12 cup pot of coffee in my trusty Mr. Coffee because it will inevitably get fucked up if I try to order it elsewhere. I pack my own lunches and snacks for work, mostly because I’m cheap, but also because I try to be healthy(ish). I leave the house at the same time, +/- three minutes to get to work on time.

Routines. Continue reading “Lookin’ Good, Shithead!”

Posted in Just Stop It.

Sorry, Not sorry.

A few weeks ago, I watched a hilarious skit on Inside Amy Schumer. The skit centered on a four-women panel, speaking at an innovation conference. They were smiling, sitting confidently, waiting for the questions to begin. There was a sense of importance, pride in each of their faces. The moderator, who was a man, began with quick introductions down the line. When introducing Amy, he mispronounces her last name. Amy sheepishly smiles, mumbles, “Sorry!” and rushes into an apology for his error. The moderator continues, barely acknowledging her, then continues to the next woman. The introductions progress with more mispronounced names, or inaccurate credits of accomplishments. The apologies become more frequent and frenzied; they’re sorry for asking questions, asking for a glass of water (but got coffee instead). The skit ends with a panelist losing her legs, screaming she’s sorry for ruining everything.

Continue reading “Sorry, Not sorry.”

Posted in Just Stop It., Life

An Open Letter to Hipsters

Dear Hipsters:

What’s up? N2mh. You’re probably wondering why I’m writing you a letter that’s not typed on a typewriter. I’m sorry, but mine is being repaired. And if by repaired I mean I don’t have one because I embrace technology and don’t fuck with White-Out anymore. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Hipsters”

Posted in Just Stop It., Life

The Time I Was Cyberbullied

Ahh, it seems like just yesterday when it happened.

Wait, it was yesterday.

Ok readers, take a seat, grab your popcorn and glass of Faygo soda; I’m going to tell you a story.

Yesterday was shaping up to be a great day for me. Things were going well at work, I didn’t have the urge to murder anyone. It was also that day that my new relationship went public on Facebook. I can already feel your eyes rolling, but just bear with me. Yes, it’s a little corny and teenager-ish. But it’s also exciting!!! It’s kind of thrilling to let people know that, “HEY! SOMEONE LIKES ME AND WANTS IT TO BE KNOWN TO EVERYONE!” So yeah…….I’m a woman and that shit makes me giddy. I’m not embarrassed of it. As soon as it happened, I started getting texts and messages from friends (and of course my mom) wishing me well and how happy they were for me. If you’ve read this blog, then you can understand the shit sandwich I ate for the past year. This was time to celebrate! Continue reading “The Time I Was Cyberbullied”

Posted in Just Stop It., Life

Like, Share, and Comment: An Observation.

Oh, hey there everyone. It’s been a little while since my last posting. I know you’ve all been hanging on the edge of your seats….

I’ve been suuuuuper busy with a ton of social engagements and really fun stuff in my life! I totally don’t have time for this, or anything!!

Convincing? No. Of course not. This weather/time change has been a total fucking bummer and has taken any and all motivation from my life. I have been very content sitting on my couch in my pajamas at 4:30 pm, watching Judge Judy, wallowing in my own self pity, and being generally miserable. I’ve decided that could lead down a very ugly path, so I’m hopping back on the ol’ horse and riding back into society!

While I have been in my self-contained world of misery, I have of course been trolling Facebook. I have come to a place in my life where I feel like I really should just get rid of it; it’s enraging me more than entertaining me at this point. I literally get mad at about 90% of the postings I see. My feed has turned into a garbage heap of e-cards, advertisements, and weird news stories. However, there is a particular type of posting that is sure to set me off into a rage: the “like and share!” posts.

Here’s what I’m referring to:

The Time Demand: Like in 3 seconds if you support our troops!!!

The Moral/Ethical Demand:  Like if you hate cancer!

The Useless Information Share: Share if you love your kids/parents/family/dog/cousin!

The Threat: I love God! Share and you will get a miracle! If you don’t, something bad will happen!

The Make-A-Wish Like: My mom says if I get 10,000 likes I can go to Disney!

Ok, do you see my point here? If you don’t like a picture of the “troops” in 3 SECONDS (!!), you’re basically a Communist. If you don’t “like” to hate Cancer (confusing?), you obviously love cancer and all of it’s destruction. Not sharing the fact that you love your family, etc., makes you a narcissist asshole; God TOTALLY trolls Facebook to find out who “likes” him when deciding on miracle work, and you’ve ruined a child’s life by being the one person who didn’t like that picture, so now they’ll never get to Disney. If your mom or dad tells you that you need 10,000 likes to go to Disney, guess what? Your parents are mean fuckers and they will never take you there.

I’m sure that there’s someone reading this here and saying, “Hey! I’ve done that!”, and they’re probably hating me pretty hard right now. Well, I’m sorry (not really). I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but you’re cluttering my news feed and making me angrier than I already am.

Posted in Just Stop It., Life

Your A Dummy.

You: “The title of your post is wrong.”

Me: “You’re an asshole.”

See? THAT’S the correct way to use your and you’re, kids! “Your” is used as a possessive adjective, while “you’re” is a contraction of “you” and “are”!

I bet some of you read that title and didn’t think much of it. Others probably wanted to scream. I know I would. I decided to write this post after seeing this picture on Facebook:


When I read the cover, I simultaneously laughed and cringed. I have to admit, grammatical errors are one of my biggest pet peeves. While I’m certainly not exempt from making writing errors, I like to think I know the basics. Sure, we don’t all walk around speaking the King’s English all day. But people, let’s make an effort, especially if you’re writing communications at work. I mean, come on. If you’re sending a mass email, know your shit. Or at least get as close as possible.

While we’re on the topic of emails, here’s a few other things that can potentially make you look like an idiot.

Continue reading “Your A Dummy.”

Posted in Just Stop It.

Facebook is Not Your Doctor’s Office.

I think you know where I’m going with this one. Flu season is fast approaching, so I’m taking proactive measures.

It’s always the same people that do it. You know who you are.

I don’t care if you have a migraine. I don’t care if you haven’t slept in 3 days. I don’t care if you have a cold or the flu. And I definitely don’t care if you are shitting and/or puking all day and night. This goes for your kids, too.

Continue reading “Facebook is Not Your Doctor’s Office.”