It’s Day 2 and I’m back at it again with a fresh blog! What a streak!
First, let me start with a HUGE thank you to those who dropped in to read my post from yesterday. I wasn’t thrilled with the way it came out, but I received some encouraging words from friends and readers saying they were happy to see a new post. It still shocks me when people tell me they enjoyed a post and it was something they could relate to, or got them through the day. Hearing that pushes me forward and I’m forever grateful. You’re all the best!
Today’s writing prompt is an interesting one: When is the last time you did something brave? What happened?
Damn, BlogHer, why you gotta make me feel feelings and shit?
When I was about 4 years old, I started figure skating. Looking like a calf attempting its first steps, my ankles bent at dangerous angles, ready to snap at any second. I was not the picture of natural talent. Continue reading “Father Nose Best”→
For the past two weeks, I haven’t had to fight with the fitted sheet on my mattress. Specifically, the upper left corner.I simply pull the covers down and get into bed. No more tugging, pulling, inadvertently bending a nail back as I plead with the elastic to please, please, stay the fuck down for one goddamn night.For almost two years, I’ve engaged in this nightly boudoir battle, each morning waking to defeat. Suddenly, one morning, it was over. The sheet stayed down, compliant in its position. At first I was thrilled. FINALLY! As the nights ticked by, my celebratory mood turned sour. The left corner is mocking me. Continue reading “See You In 183 Days”→
Today is our eight year wedding anniversary. Crazy, right??
That was the first thought that popped into my head this morning when I woke up, and it made me smile. Such good memories! You are dressed in a beautiful wedding gown with flawless hair and makeup. People fawning all over you, taking pictures. The only thing you had to do was show up! When does that ever happen? We were surrounded by lots of loving friends and family, ready to have a huge party and celebrate this awesome day.
When I was at work the other day, I got a text from my boyfriend. At first, I wasn’t sure what I was looking at. It was a picture, but it was hard to see what it was. I clicked on it to enlarge, and there it was: it was a picture of poop, floating in a toilet.
I was ecstatic.
This was a historic moment, and I wanted to share it with someone. Grabbing my phone, I intended to show my co-worker, sitting behind me. Halfway out of my seat, I realized it probably wasn’t the greatest idea. (Still not my worst, either).
“Is this some weird kind of scat fetish?”
I should probably tell you those turds belonged to his 3 and a half year old son, who is in the midst of potty training.
How did this become my life?
It started a little over a year ago, when I first met my boyfriend. Both new to stand-up comedy, we met at an open mic. I thought he was hilarious, adorable, smart, charming. He had a job, a car, and his own place. (You wouldn’t believe how difficult it was finding someone who met those three basic requirements.) He was everything I wanted in a partner, except for one major obstacle: he had a kid.
Full disclosure: I never wanted a relationship with someone who had kids. In fact, it was kind of a deal breaker. I could barely handle one adult relationship; how could I deal with a child? In my mind, dating a man with kids meant not doing what I want, when I wanted. It meant sacrificing time, attention. It meant I couldn’t be selfish. That’s not an easy admission. But, after some serious self-reflection, I decided to break my own rules and give the relationship a chance.
Once we had been seeing each other for a while, he decided to take the next step and introduce me to his son. I was petrified. I really liked him and didn’t want the relationship to end. But, what if his son didn’t like me? What if he didn’t like me with his son? Even worse, what if I didn’t like his son?? These thoughts scared the proverbial shit out of me. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that kind of commitment.
I was wrong.
Of course, his son is beyond adorable and I can’t believe I ever questioned my decision. I’m having the time of my life. I look forward to seeing him, hearing his tiny (yet very loud) voice shout absurd declarations, mostly about needing more apple juice. Even the dog, who could care less about us, gets excited that he’ll be chasing him around the house for a week.
Gone are my days of day drinking and lounging around in my free time. Instead, we plan days and weekends with trips to the park, children’s museums, looking for bugs, monster truck shows, spontaneous glow stick parties, and digging in sandboxes. He makes up hilarious stories and has us laughing all the time.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned has been to trust my heart, not my head. If I never gave this single dad a chance, I would have been one giant turd.
Yesterday was “International Women’s Day”, so of course I made a snarky comment about celebrating in the kitchen. I don’t believe in God, or karma, or any of those things, but I woke up today feeling like a pile of poop threw up another pile of poop. I think Gloria Alred put a curse on me. I got about 3 hours of sleep total. It was awful, especially since I was laying next to my boyfriend who seemed to be having the best sleep of his life. I’m pretty sure he smiled at one point. I was miserable.
Being the independent woman I am, I woke up and dragged myself into the shower (read: I have to go to work because I don’t have a sugar daddy). Every 20 seconds or so, I had that gun-to-your-head decision: puke or poop? Absolutely awful. Somehow, I managed to get out of the house and into work. As soon as I stepped in, my coworker literally said, “Yikes. You look like you’re still asleep.” That just translates into, “You look like garbage.” Awesome. Continue reading “Dr. Feelgood”→
I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!
Oh, dear, sweet Stuart…..with your 90’s soccer-mom frosted hair, scratchy cardigan, and lavender polyester shirt. Who knew one day your fictional words of wisdom would be popping into my head as a mantra? That’s exactly what happened to me this morning when I woke up.
This has been, by far, the shittiest, most depressing winter I can remember. The weather has been wretched. Everyone has been trapped inside for months. There has been no break from it. Because the sun is a giant asshole and doesn’t want to anyone to be happy, it’s been a sad and lonely couple of months. On the rare occasion we do see the sun, it’s only doing 50% of its job. It’s shining, but provides 0.0% warmth. Every day, same routine. Wake up. Go to work. Go home. Put on pajamas. Stuff face. Lay on the couch. Think, think, think. I’d love to turn my brain off, but unfortunately, my brain hates me and loves to self-torture.
Today was a not-so-good-pretty-terrible day. No, it’s not because the Patriots lost (although that sucks too, I suppose). I’m sad because I was hit square in the face with the impending reality of my divorce.
In less than 10 days, I will be signing my final divorce papers. I went to my (former) house today to hang out with my dogs, as well as to get the last of my stuff. This is something that I’ve been doing all year, sort of taking my things piece meal. It’s also been my excuse to go back and see those furry fucking goofballs I love so much. But today, I had to get my wedding dress, and I completely lost my shit. Obviously, he doesn’t want to keep the dress there, and I don’t blame him. I have been telling myself that I would take it each time I went, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. However, he asked me to take it today, so I did. I grabbed it out of the closet…..and it’s now sitting in the trunk of my car. I literally CANNOT bring myself to take it out of there today.
Actually, I’m pretty sure of it. It’s been a strange few days for that guy. I have about 800+ songs downloaded on my phone and keep it on shuffle, especially when I’m in my car. Up until now, I’ve hardly ever gotten the same song or artist twice. But for the past two days, that’s changed. I have had Grant Lee Buffalo show up not once, not twice, but three fucking times. If you’re not familiar with his music, here’s a warning: it’s beautiful, haunting, and generally makes you want to curl up on a floor for a week. Not exactly what you would call “upbeat”. Ironically, the song that keeps coming up is “Happiness”. Oh, how hilarious. Here’s the lyrics to the first and second verse:
Nevermind me ’cause I’ve been dead
Out of my body been out of my head
Nevermind the songs they hum
Don’t want to sing along
There’s nothin’ that I said
That’ll bring you happiness, happiness
Is hard to come by I confess
I’m bad at this thing happiness
If you find it share it with the rest of us