As I’m sure you’ve noticed, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on this site. If I’m being completely honest: I was totally uninspired and bored. I wasn’t in love with the layout, my content…ANYTHING. So, I put it off to the side and ignored it along with all of the other problems I had piling up.
A few weeks ago, I was looking at my credit card statement and noticed I was still paying for a subscription to Audible. I had signed up for it months ago and had downloaded a book, just to check out the experience. I didn’t hate it, but much like everything else, I became distracted and didn’t use it again. Trying to cancel my subscription, I found I couldn’t do it from the app (annoying). I logged on my Amazon account and was just about to pull the trigger when I noticed I had 4 credits for books just sitting there. Never one to pass up a deal, I decided I would download 4 books and give them a listen. If at the end I was uninspired by the audio experience, I would cancel. Easy. Continue reading “Funny Broad Got a Makeover!”
I have obsessed about my weight for the majority of my life. I think about it from the moment I wake up, through the day, into the night. I weigh myself every morning and can almost always guess my weight before the number flashes. When I search back in the darkening corners of my mind, there are dim memories of early childhood where I wasn’t like this.
When I was about 4 years old, I started figure skating. Looking like a calf attempting its first steps, my ankles bent at dangerous angles, ready to snap at any second. I was not the picture of natural talent. Continue reading “Father Nose Best”
For the past two weeks, I haven’t had to fight with the fitted sheet on my mattress. Specifically, the upper left corner.I simply pull the covers down and get into bed. No more tugging, pulling, inadvertently bending a nail back as I plead with the elastic to please, please, stay the fuck down for one goddamn night.For almost two years, I’ve engaged in this nightly boudoir battle, each morning waking to defeat. Suddenly, one morning, it was over. The sheet stayed down, compliant in its position. At first I was thrilled. FINALLY! As the nights ticked by, my celebratory mood turned sour. The left corner is mocking me. Continue reading “See You In 183 Days”
During the work week, I wake up at the same time every day. Depending on my level of soreness, I have been going to the gym 3-4 days at 5:30 am. Once home, I begin my morning ritual: pee, start the shower, strip down, step on the scale, curse the scale, step off, immediately step on it again because maybe I read it wrong?, realize I did read it wrong and it actually went UP, curse the scale, angrily get into the shower, lather, rinse, repeat. I make a 12 cup pot of coffee in my trusty Mr. Coffee because it will inevitably get fucked up if I try to order it elsewhere. I pack my own lunches and snacks for work, mostly because I’m cheap, but also because I try to be healthy(ish). I leave the house at the same time, +/- three minutes to get to work on time.
Today is our eight year wedding anniversary. Crazy, right??
That was the first thought that popped into my head this morning when I woke up, and it made me smile. Such good memories! You are dressed in a beautiful wedding gown with flawless hair and makeup. People fawning all over you, taking pictures. The only thing you had to do was show up! When does that ever happen? We were surrounded by lots of loving friends and family, ready to have a huge party and celebrate this awesome day.
Recently, an old friend moved in. He showed up one night, begging for a place to stay. “I promise, its only for the night. You won’t even notice me! I’ll be out by morning.” This is someone I’ve known a long time and I’ve heard this line before. I should have said no and closed the door. Foolishly, I didn’t. It wasn’t long before I realized my mistake. Today turned into tomorrow, which turned into 2 weeks, which turned into a month. Suddenly, I’m stepping over empty pizza boxes, finding foreign hairs in my sink and seeing very weird recommendations in my Netflix queue. What was happening? I tried to get him to leave, but he wouldn’t move. He gave excuse after excuse, me falling for each one.
When I was at work the other day, I got a text from my boyfriend. At first, I wasn’t sure what I was looking at. It was a picture, but it was hard to see what it was. I clicked on it to enlarge, and there it was: it was a picture of poop, floating in a toilet.
I was ecstatic.
This was a historic moment, and I wanted to share it with someone. Grabbing my phone, I intended to show my co-worker, sitting behind me. Halfway out of my seat, I realized it probably wasn’t the greatest idea. (Still not my worst, either).
“Is this some weird kind of scat fetish?”
I should probably tell you those turds belonged to his 3 and a half year old son, who is in the midst of potty training.
How did this become my life?
It started a little over a year ago, when I first met my boyfriend. Both new to stand-up comedy, we met at an open mic. I thought he was hilarious, adorable, smart, charming. He had a job, a car, and his own place. (You wouldn’t believe how difficult it was finding someone who met those three basic requirements.) He was everything I wanted in a partner, except for one major obstacle: he had a kid.
Full disclosure: I never wanted a relationship with someone who had kids. In fact, it was kind of a deal breaker. I could barely handle one adult relationship; how could I deal with a child? In my mind, dating a man with kids meant not doing what I want, when I wanted. It meant sacrificing time, attention. It meant I couldn’t be selfish. That’s not an easy admission. But, after some serious self-reflection, I decided to break my own rules and give the relationship a chance.
Once we had been seeing each other for a while, he decided to take the next step and introduce me to his son. I was petrified. I really liked him and didn’t want the relationship to end. But, what if his son didn’t like me? What if he didn’t like me with his son? Even worse, what if I didn’t like his son?? These thoughts scared the proverbial shit out of me. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that kind of commitment.
I was wrong.
Of course, his son is beyond adorable and I can’t believe I ever questioned my decision. I’m having the time of my life. I look forward to seeing him, hearing his tiny (yet very loud) voice shout absurd declarations, mostly about needing more apple juice. Even the dog, who could care less about us, gets excited that he’ll be chasing him around the house for a week.
Gone are my days of day drinking and lounging around in my free time. Instead, we plan days and weekends with trips to the park, children’s museums, looking for bugs, monster truck shows, spontaneous glow stick parties, and digging in sandboxes. He makes up hilarious stories and has us laughing all the time.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned has been to trust my heart, not my head. If I never gave this single dad a chance, I would have been one giant turd.