Posted in Life

Life is a Highway (I don’t want to be stuck in traffic with you.)


I was driving on the highway recently and passed a friend of mine. It was a quick exchange, no big deal. After she passed me, I felt a huge sense of relief that it happened on the highway and not in city traffic. If any of my readers drive a car, you will know what I’m talking about.

When you’re in traffic and you first realize that you’re pulling up next to a friend at a red light, you’re psyched. This is the initial, “SUPEREXCITEDOMG!!!” phase of your driving relationship. You’re both waving like maniacs, rolling windows down talking, laughing. You’re probably throwing a few playful, rude gestures to each other. There will ALWAYS be the blow-job gesture. It’s just so much fun that you miss that the light turned green! OMG. Hilllllaaaaaaaaaaarious.

Once you’ve turned your attention back to the green light, you drive off, basking in the glow of your friendly exchange. You’re probably thinking, “Man. We really don’t see each other enough. I’m totally going to text her/him tomorrow and get some plans to hang out.”

Up ahead, you see that there’s another set of lights. Waddya know, you’re going to be next to your friend again! Fantastic! Or is it? Suddenly, you feel a little tinge of nervousness. Why? You just saw this person 30 seconds ago and it was totally fine! Why shouldn’t this be ok? You’re quickly realizing that you need something else to talk about. It’s not like you can just pick up where you left off; that would be weird. No, you need something new, fresh. You’re now getting closer to that light and you’ve got nothing. You need to acknowledge them. SHIT. You both look over, grinning stupidly at each other as if saying, “Ha! Can you believe we’re here again?” You’ve both entered the “Take Care Now!” phase.

Things have changed. There’s no rolling down of windows. There’s no chatting or obscene gestures. No one is offering a blow job; not even a hand job. Instead of playful shenanigans in traffic, you give a nod, a smile, and a firm “Take Care, Now!” wave. This wave is a curt, two-swipe, left to right. Then, you’re eyes forward. You’re realizing that it’s only been about 4 seconds at the light; it might as well be 18 minutes.

Finally, the light changes. One of you will try to speed off while the other just wants this ride to be over. Maybe someone will jump out in front of your car to end your misery? Nope. Just like everything else in life, you’re let down. There’s nothing stopping you. All the traffic you’ve been stuck in has now conveniently disappeared. Just you and the open road…and your friend.

If there’s another red light in your path, I’m afraid to tell you that there’s no hope in saving your relationship. There’s just nothing you can do; you’re doomed. You have now entered into the “Get the Fuck Out of My Life” stage. Where you were once excited and care-free, you’re angry and annoyed. Instead of exchanging pleasantries, you’re now going to ignore the person next to you. You’ll do anything to avoid eye contact. Texting and driving? Hell yes. In fact, you’re hoping a police officer will see and arrest you just to get out of this nightmare.

The critical blow has been dealt; your driving relationship is over. Someone will blatantly make a fake phone call, or root around in their glove compartment for that oh-so-important-thing-I-have-in-here-that-I-need-right-now. Whatever the situation, you can no longer co-exist on the road again. Sure, you’ll be fine outside of driving. You’ll laugh like nothing happened. I guarantee, however, you will do anything you can to avoid seeing that person in traffic ever again.

Author:

I write this blog to (over) share the good, bad, and absurd with the masses. You can also find me performing stand-up comedy. Or….eating pizza.

4 thoughts on “Life is a Highway (I don’t want to be stuck in traffic with you.)

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