What’s up? N2mh. You’re probably wondering why I’m writing you a letter that’s not typed on a typewriter. I’m sorry, but mine is being repaired. And if by repaired I mean I don’t have one because I embrace technology and don’t fuck with White-Out anymore.
I’m writing to you to ask you all to please, just stop. All of it. I’m tired of the nonsense. No more trends. I can’t take it anymore. Cat sweaters do not look cool. Your giant glasses with clear frames make you look stupid. No one believes you have a gluten allergy, and I challenge you to define GMO and why it’s bad for me. After reading this week about Lumbersexuals and the resurgence of flip phones, I can no longer take it. I needed to write you this letter to tell you why you’re annoying.
3: Your Modes of Transportation
I’d like to remind you all that it’s 2014, not 1884. We’ve moved on from fixed gear bicycles. Why? Oh, I don’t know. There’s something that was invented called brakes. It’s pretty amazing, actually. Imagine you’re biking along, and a car cuts in front of you. All you have to do is squeeze the little handlebar brake and voila! You immediately slow to a stop. (Yes, I know some fixed gear bikes have brakes, so save the comments). What is even more annoying are those of you who try to convince me of why these bikes are so great. All of a sudden, everyone has now become a biking enthusiast. I will guarantee that 75% of the people touting the benefits of biking have only done so in the past few years because it’s the cool thing to do. So, do us all a favor and just stop. Ride a 10-speed like a normal nerd.
Also, stop trying to make shitty cars a thing. There is a reason there are no more Plymouth Reliant’s on the road; they suck. The irony of the irony of you driving these cars is apparently lost on you. For a group that is so collectively annoying about awareness of EVERYTHING, you’re really not helping your message. You opt for archaic gas guzzlers and call them vintage. Yes, you have a vintage piece of shit on the road. Congratulations.
“But Marie! It has wood paneling on the side! It’s so amazing!” -you
“Shut up.” – me
2: Grooming Standards
Speaking of 1884……..let’s talk about mustaches, in particular handlebar mustaches. Guys, I want you to take this simple test before you think about growing one.
1. Have you ever worn women’s skinny jeans?
2. Do you own an infinity scarf?
3. Are you an old-timey weightlifter wearing a striped, scoop-necked, one piece bathing suit?
If you answered yes to one to the first two questions, then you’re not allowed to have a mustache. Why? The same reason women can’t play in the NFL. It’s just the rules. I’m not sure when walking around looking like someone an extra from one of the talky-movies became a thing, but it’s absurd. That fashion trend died with the Titanic. It’s a bygone look for bygone people. Now, do you want an example of people who ARE forever allowed to wear a mustache? Sam Elliot. That hair caterpillar should be registered as a deadly weapon. I mean, seriously.
Also, 1970’s Burt Reynolds. Goddamn, was he badass. No wonder Lonnie Anderson was always all over him. Runners up: Tom Selleck, 1980’s Chuck Norris.
As if this wasn’t bad enough, there’s now a trend coming up for the “Lumbersexual.” I can’t even begin to explain how high my blood pressure shot up just reading that word. Is nothing fucking sacred?? Do people have to take one of the last bastions of masculinity and completely ruin it?? Why is this a thing? The fact that some Brooklyn art student is ACTIVELY trying to cultivate the look of a man who spends 12-hours a day outside doing hard, physical labor is nauseating.
While we’re at it, let’s all stop propagating paraphernalia that has a picture of a mustache on it, or telling people you “mustache” them a question.
Ladies, you’re not exempt from this tirade. Stop walking around looking like you have head lice. Take a shower and brush your hair.
1. Everything Else You Do
Honestly, I could talk about this for hours, but I’m getting irritated just thinking of all the other things that annoy me. I’m sure that I’ve made some enemies in writing this letter to you. But, sometimes tough love is the best love.
I’m just going to list a few more of the most annoying things you do, in no particular order.
- You’re an anti-vaccine advocate
- Coffee can only be made in a French-press
- You argue that Schlitz is a good beer (Pabst is sooooooooo mainstream)
- You drink an Old Fashioned, not because you actually like the taste, but you seem so hip ordering it
- You can only use a MacBook Pro, even though you wouldn’t ever use it to it’s full potential
- You’re a vegan
- You only shop at Whole Foods, but work part time. How?
- You use terms like “slut-shaming” and “fat-shaming”. In fact, you’ll pretty much attach -shaming attached to anything.
- You think Lena Dunham is “brave”
I really wish it didn’t have to come down to this, but I just feel like there’s no other way to get through to you. I mean, you’re probably good people. Hell, you may even be on to some things! Just stop being so insufferable about it.