What To Expect When You’re Not Expecting


Hey! Guess what?? My blog just turned one today! Let us all sit back and bask in the glory of this.

Ok, we’re done now. Let’s not make this weird, ok?

Speaking of turning one, I’ve had a lot of friends whose kids are having first birthdays lately. That means a lot of cute invites to parties, trying to figure out who needs what, which kids hates Thomas the Train, who loves him, can this kid play with plastic toys? Are his parents going to have real cake or some gluten free shit? Can I eat peanuts at this party?? It can all be very daunting.

While I love that most, if not all, of my friends have kids, I can’t but help feel like the walls are closing in on me as each year ticks by. (I’ll spare you the imagery that just popped into my head when I typed the former sentence). Slowly, I’ve become the one, if not only, woman in my group that doesn’t have a child. It’s been happening for a few years now. At first, I hardly noticed. In fact, for a very long period in my life, I was adamant against having kids. I didn’t feel like it was something that I needed in my life. Both my ex and I were on the same page; we would just have dogs and it would be the same thing.

Until it’s not.

When I was married, I was always being asked about kids. Whenever I would tell people that we weren’t going to have kids, it was almost always met with the same reaction: “Why?? What’s the point in being married?” or “You’ll change your mind”. While both of these responses are innately rude and insensitive, the latter would particularly infuriate me. Who are these people to tell me that I don’t know what I want? I am a grown woman, who has made it this far in life making decisions that have not gotten me killed to date. So, I think I can figure out what I want. It was like this societal pressure to have kids that made me want to do the opposite. Kind of like a big eff you.

Then, as I got older, particularly when I hit about 32, things started to change. More and more of my friends were popping these kids out left and right; I couldn’t keep up. With each new person having a baby, the cold, black lump in my chest that passes for a heart would soften a teeny, tiny bit. The thoughts became more and more frequent; maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I think I can keep another human being alive! But….there was a problem. I didn’t want to admit to it because that would mean THEY WON. Especially, my mother. I was so mad about it that I barely acknowledged it to myself.

I finally decided to broach the subject with my then-husband. Which, of course, was met with a resounding NO. He was so resolute in his stance that there was no opening for discussion. Needless to say, this didn’t help the already drowning and stressful marriage I was in. Just another nail in the coffin.

After my separation, then subsequent divorce, I really didn’t know what was going to happen. As my dear readers know, I had some weird and interesting dating experiences. I decided that I wasn’t going to focus on that stuff, and instead focus on ME! When I did that, I started this blog (!), got into standup, and met some awesome people. One of the awesome people I met I now call my boyfriend. And…….he’s got a kid. Obviously, I have never dated anyone with a kid, so this was all new territory to me. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. After some time, I finally got to meet the little dude. And let me tell you: he’s the best. He’s a 3-year old boy who is the sweetest, funniest, craziest, most adorable little guy I have ever met. Luckily, he likes me too. This tiny person. has plugged that hole in my heart that I’ve been carrying around.

So, here it is: you were all right. Kids are awesome. (Well, not all of them. Some kids are total assholes. But you know what I mean). And no, this is not me saying I’m going to go get knocked up. It’s just me being honest.

This first year has been an interesting one, friends. It’s s been completely life altering in oh so many ways. I wasn’t sure where I would end up a year ago, but I’m so happy I ended up here.

 

 

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