Posted in Feelings, Life

A Three Step Women’s Guide To Success In A Man’s World


Ladies! Are you frustrated that you’re not being taken seriously by the men around you? Tired of constantly getting lost in the shuffle? Underpaid and undervalued? Well, I have JUST what you need in order to be successful! I promise, if you follow these three simple steps, you’ll be sitting in that corner office in no time. You’ll land that guy you’ve had a crush on. No more dish pan hands for you; it will be YOU who kicks back with a nice glass of Scotch after work.

Let’s talk turkey. I know a lot of you are sitting there reading this thinking, “Marie. I’ve tried everything! It’s never going to happen!” Well. Shut up and read on. I guarantee if you follow my simple rules, your life will change forever.

Step One: Dress for Success

Ok gals, this is the biggest piece to the puzzle. You may feel invisible out there in the world. No one looks at you, you’re just another number, or face in the crowd. Guess what? You’re right.

Want to grab the attention of your male boss, or that guy you like? Stop dressing in your cardigans and fashionable JC Penny shirts and get your tits out there! That’s right; tits out. What man will take you seriously if he can’t see what’s going on under those threads? Sure, your outfit screams sensible and smart when you look in the mirror. But you know what a man sees? BOOOOOORING! You need to use those assets as much as possible. Stop hiding what God gave you (or genetics and science, for you nerdy types). Show as much cleavage as possible and let them do the work for you.

Pants? Forget it. That’s so 2013. You need to rock the micro-mini skirt. Doesn’t fit your dress code at work? Fuck that. Do it anyway. That will show them who’s boss! You don’t follow rules. Also, if you’re wearing the micro-mini, you must wear a MINIMUM five-inch heel. This outfit shows you are fierce, talented (a man can’t walk in those), and mean business. Finish your look with a glitter eye shadow and heavily lined lips.

Step Two: Attitude

Now that you’ve grabbed his attention, here’s how you hold it: shut the fuck up. No man likes a mouthy bitch. You also don’t want to make eye contact. That’s a very aggressive move and will be an immediate turn off. All you have to do is stand there and listen to what he’s saying. It doesn’t matter if it’s boring; it’s your job to make him feel like he’s the only one who matters. The most important part of this is to agree with everything he says. I know, I know……you’ve got “brains” and you’re “smart”…..but you’re also a woman. Just smile and nod; maybe make some physical contact. I always recommend standing well within their comfort zone. A hand on their chest is always a good move. You don’t want them having any wiggle room. So, stand as close as possible. Don’t be afraid to talk openly and freely about your sex life, either.

If he asks for your opinion (he won’t), just tell him you don’t have one and that he made perfect sense. You’ll make him feel smart, and in turn he will remember you as someone he can count on to agree with him. Now THAT is using those alleged brains of yours! I promise you won’t be passed up that promotion this time around.

Step Three: Do Not Talk About Your Goals

This can kind of be tied into step two of the guide, but it’s a little different.

Talking about your five-year plan in your reviews, meticulously mapping your moves to get to that brass ring. Did it happen yet? Of course not. Most likely, they’re sleeping with their eyes open when you’re talking about that stuff.

What you should be talking about is how you can take on more work for less money. Yes, you heard me correctly. You will never be an equal in the business world monetarily, so get that notion out of your stupid head right now. Instead, take the work, don’t complain, and just do it all while looking hot.

This rule is also very important to your romantic life. Don’t talk about marriage or children. You’ve been together for 5 years and nothing has happened? So what. He knows what he’s doing. You don’t need a ring to show commitment. The fact that he’s letting you live in his house or apartment tells you something. Oh, you own the house? No, you don’t. You need that man to do all the things you can’t do, like fix things, or mow the lawn. Stop deluding yourself and just accept this as fact. Just be happy that you can wash his clothes and feed him. That’s all he wants.

It’s taken me a long time to realize just how to get ahead, but now that I know, I had to share my secret with everyone. Don’t be afraid to take charge of your life!

Author:

I write this blog to (over) share the good, bad, and absurd with the masses. You can also find me performing stand-up comedy. Or….eating pizza.

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