Posted in Life

Don’t Buy Clothes With Zippers, And Other Life Lessons


The other night, I was going out. It was a Saturday, and I decided that I wanted to wear a dress that I had bought. It’s super cute and doesn’t make me look fat (that’s according to my full length mirror placed at the perfect angle. Don’t you dare touch it).  Even though it’s sub-zero out, a girl wants to look nice!

While putting on said dress, I immediately remembered why I shouldn’t have bought it: it has a goddamn zipper. It’s not a whole back zipper, either. It’s one of those halfway up jobs. You know, just far enough that I can get it about 3/4 of the way up. After that, it becomes a yoga routine. I literally had to do stretches to limber up the ol’ muscles to finish. It took me a solid 7 minutes of reaching, swearing, and sweating, but I did it. When it was done (and I reapplied my deodorant), I swore I would never buy another zippered dress again. There was no one there to help me. I very well could have injured myself! Then I would have been at the orthopedic explaining that no, doctor, I didn’t dislocate my shoulder playing a contact sport; I was simply trying to get dressed.

This really got me thinking about what it is to live alone. What if I fall in the shower and hit my head? What if I croak in my sleep?? WHAT IF I SEE A MOUSE??? After my nightmarish visions of dying like an 80-year-old subsided, I made myself think about all the GOOD things that come with living alone. So, I came up with a list.

1. You Don’t Need To Use Tupperware!

photo 1

Once I’m done cooking, I can stick my leftovers right into the refrigerator as they were. One stop shopping!

2. I Can Leave The Cap Off The Toothpaste AND Not Put TP On The Roll!

photo 2

I obviously learned nothing from Jewel.

3. I Don’t Have To Put My Laundry Away!

photo 3

Ok, full disclosure: I didn’t do this even when I was married. I can do a million loads of laundry, but I will never put it away. Hate it.

This also includes leaving my bras anywhere and everywhere I feel like in my apartment.

4. I Don’t Have To Do Dishes!

photo 4

I’m not even sure why I bothered to buy a dish set, really. Now that I am minus a dishwasher, (I can’t afford to pay anyone either), I have opted for the environmental killer: the paper plate. Guess what? I don’t give a shit that a tree died for my sins. What I care about is spending the least amount of time standing in front of my sink washing dishes. So, save your breath. I’m not interested. Yes, I know it’s bad for the Earth, but it’s good for my sanity.

My little list made me feel so much better. It’s not all bad! Sure, I may need to take aerobics to get myself dressed in certain outfits and possibly buy LifeAlert, but at least I will be living (or dying) in comfort.

Author:

I write this blog to (over) share the good, bad, and absurd with the masses. You can also find me performing stand-up comedy. Or….eating pizza.

One thought on “Don’t Buy Clothes With Zippers, And Other Life Lessons

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