….and now I know, I know that it’s true.
Today was a not-so-good-pretty-terrible day. No, it’s not because the Patriots lost (although that sucks too, I suppose). I’m sad because I was hit square in the face with the impending reality of my divorce.
In less than 10 days, I will be signing my final divorce papers. I went to my (former) house today to hang out with my dogs, as well as to get the last of my stuff. This is something that I’ve been doing all year, sort of taking my things piece meal. It’s also been my excuse to go back and see those furry fucking goofballs I love so much. But today, I had to get my wedding dress, and I completely lost my shit. Obviously, he doesn’t want to keep the dress there, and I don’t blame him. I have been telling myself that I would take it each time I went, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. However, he asked me to take it today, so I did. I grabbed it out of the closet…..and it’s now sitting in the trunk of my car. I literally CANNOT bring myself to take it out of there today.
I didn’t think that I would be as emotional about it as I am, to be honest. It’s been eight months that I have been out of the house. I’ve had my ups and downs; that’s to be expected. What wasn’t expected was the gut punch I felt taking that dress out. It’s silly; it’s just a dress, right? Except that it’s not. It’s a representation of the past 10 years of my life. There were a lot of good times, tons of laughs….then there are the not so good times. When I stop and think about everything, I realize that I’ve spent a third of my life with one person. Now, I’m starting from scratch….and that is scary as fuck. Where do you even start???
A lot of people will say to me, “You’re so lucky you didn’t have kids! That would make it so much harder.” Word to the wise: don’t fucking say that to someone, ok? Having kids doesn’t automatically qualify you for a sadder divorce. I know plenty of people without children that have gone through this, and it’s still one of the worst things you can ever go through. When you say that to someone, you’re basically dismissing them, their marriage, and their feelings. I have two dogs that I don’t get to see on a daily basis and it makes me want to cry every single second I think about it. Yes, I know that it will get easier; it has already. But it’s still one of, if not the, most traumatic things I have every gone through (aside from losing my father).
There will always be those moments when I stop and think to myself, “What the fuck are you doing???” I don’t know what the future is going to bring, and that’s also scary to me. I’m a complete control freak in so many ways; it’s so hard for me to not know what’s going to happen. I have to keep thinking that good things will come, or else I will just lose my goddamn mind.
I have been listening to a lot of Patti Smith lately. Maybe it’d my repressed feminist/riot grrrl/pubescent self trying to break out, but listening to her has been a really good emotional release for me. Anyway, she has such a great opening line to “Babelogue” that says:
I don’t fuck much with the past, but I fuck plenty with the future
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to this song and not thought twice about that line. Then I listened to it the other day and it just stopped me in my tracks. It’s so true; life is what you make of it. You can’t change anything about the past, no matter how much you try. Sure, you can maybe reflect on things, reconcile with people, forgive. But it’s still the past and it still happened. So, you can only change what’s in front of you. I plan on fucking a lot with my future this year. I have a really good feeling.