Meh-rry Christmas.

“I don’t love anything
Not even Christmas
Especially not that
I don’t love anything.”

-I Don’t Love Anyone, Belle and Sebastian

I woke up with this lyric in my head this morning. This perfectly sums up how I feel about Christmas this year. Almost any year, really. Yes, I know I sound like a Grinch. And no, and I don’t give a shit.

It’s funny. Whenever I hear people talking about Christmas, it is usually surrounded by negativity. People complain about: having to go shopping, making plans, running around, spending money they don’t have, etc. I rarely hear people saying how much they love this time of the year. Sure, you might get that one-off person that ACTUALLY enjoys it; they’re most likely insane. For the most part, it is a gigantic pain in the ass for everyone.

Sometimes when I’m  about how I hate Christmas, I get this response:

“You need to listen to Christmas music! That will put you in the mood!”

You’re right. That will get me in the mood….to punch a baby in the face. There is nothing worse than listening to shitty Christmas songs blaring out of shitty department store speakers when I’m trying to get my shitty shopping (which I’m annoyed over anyway) done.

If you’re in a store, you’re definitely not happy. Everyone is just going through the motions, trying to quietly justify spending $40 on some crappy set of bath gels that NO ONE EVER USES. The air is saturated with dejection and hostility. You can almost hear the thoughts running through people’s heads: “I can’t believe I got ____ for a secret Santa. I don’t even know this guy. Ugggghhhh, I hate this. What the fuck am I going to get him?? I don’t know. Ok, let me think. He kind of smells like meat. I guess I’ll just get this Hickory Farms smoked sausage and cheese package?” 

The actual process of shopping makes me mental. It’s not just the fact that I’m spending money I don’t have on gifts; it’s that I don’t know how to dress to go shopping in the winter. Awful. You leave your house and it’s seven degrees outside, so of course you bundle up. But, the second you walk into any store, it’s approximately the temperature of a Vietnamese summer. So, you take your bulky jacket/scarf/gloves off. Where do you put them? You have to carry them around, all while trying not to drop all the shit you’re getting. Now you’re sweating, carrying your bulky jacket/scarf/gloves, trying to maneuver around to get to where you need to be, which is always on the other goddamn side of the store. Of course the experience would not be complete until you get stuck behind the “walk dead center of the aisle at a snail’s pace” assholes, stopping ever 2 inches to stupidly look around at nothing.  Why do these people exist in my life?? They are also the same people who write checks at the register, or want to make a payment on their Macy’s card. (Oh, you have coupons, too? Of course you do. You just need to find them in the carry-on-luggage-size purse you’re carrying? Oops, they’re not in there….they were in your pocket the whole time! Oh, isn’t that hilarious??? HAHAHA!)


My point is this: the lead up to this holiday makes me angry more than happy. I’m fine the day of, for the most part. I would, however, love to go back in time and smack those Magi’s for starting this stupid tradition of gift giving in the first place.

Author: Marie Forster

I write this blog to (over) share the good, bad, and absurd with the masses. You can also find me performing stand-up comedy. Or….eating pizza.

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