Posted in Life

#TBT: The Roller Racer (Or, The Seat of Death)


I’m not sure why, but I woke up today with the jingle for the Roller Racer in my head. Maybe it was after reliving my Teddy Ruxpin experience. So, in honor of #TBT, I present to you…..the Roller Racer!!

Seat of Death
Seat of Death

I’ve been looking all over the internet trying to find this goddamn song, but it’s apparently been scrubbed out (or there are no other losers who want to hear it again). I don’t remember the whole song, but this is what’s always stuck in my head:

“I got a roller racer, roller racer’s got me! I don’t get it, but I got it!”

Something, something, the end. I remember watching those commercials and thinking how amazingly fun it would be. It’s just you, sitting on this little oversized bike seat, whizzing down the street. It had handlebars that you moved back and forth to get you going. You could do get some serious speed on those suckers. Of course, I never got one (that was a constant theme of my childhood, apparently). But my neighbor had one, and that was all right with me!

The one they had the red seat and yellow handlebars. Nothing fancy. I couldn’t wait to get on that bad Larry. I had visions of me being the fastest racer on the block. Of course, there’s really only one speed a kid could go. It’s not like we had super strong arms. But that was my fantasy.

It was so basic, it was genius. Comfortable seat? Check. Appropriate handle bar length? Check. Travels at relatively fast speeds? Check. Ridiculously low vision for drivers of cars to see said kid on Roller Racer? Check!

Seriously, who thought that this was a good idea for children? What was the pitch meeting like?

Pitchman: Lets invent a bike for kids! No, wait. What if we just took just the bike seat and the handlebars, put some wheels on the bottom of the seat, and had them scoot around on the streets?

Common Sense: Um, isn’t that kind of dangerous? People driving might not see them in the road.

Pitchman: Who cares! Their parents probably hate them, that’s why they bought it!

Common Sense: You’re right! Fuck it!

That’s at least how I envision the meeting going. I never got the Roller Racer, but I did get a lot of mileage out of my neighbor’s sweet ride. And I DEFINITELY came perilously close to getting hit by cars more times than I can count. (I did once hit a car. As in, I hit the car. That was parked. On my bike).

So, today, let’s celebrate the Roller Racer by doing something dangerous! Or not. That probably isn’t the best idea.

Here’s a really shitty, grainy commercial I found. It’s not the right one, but it will do. I love the marketing: “Finally, you don’t have to pedal!” Seriously, how fucking lazy were we?

Author:

I write this blog to (over) share the good, bad, and absurd with the masses. You can also find me performing stand-up comedy. Or….eating pizza.

4 thoughts on “#TBT: The Roller Racer (Or, The Seat of Death)

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